It’s hard for me to believe it’s almost Thanksgiving already. The year has seemed to have flown by. This year has been a pretty normal one. We’ve had ups and downs. Some really low downs. Honestly sometimes I don’t see how we made it through. But we have and will continue to. The holidays are approaching and right now my family is not in a good place with each other. Words have been said and as everyone knows once you says something, it can’t be taken back. Words can hurt just as bad a physical violence. I really try to make it a put to only say things I really mean. So far that has worked, most of the times I don’t regret saying what I have said. Maybe it was hurtful, but sometimes the truth hurts. I try not to say things in anger, because that’s when you get yourself in trouble, heat of the moment words usually aren’t something you really mean to say out loud.  After a recent argument between my sisters and I, I’m feeling bad. Not because of what I said, but because I hate fighting with her/them. I hate when the family is divided. Which makes it not easy for the coming holidays. My youngest is at an age right now that, she still feels like she’s a child, but wants to make grown up choices. My mom has always been there for us when we’ve needed help, but I feel like my youngest sister depends entirely too much of my mom’s generousity. And in that, she shows no respect. In the 2 weeks that she has been there, they’ve destroyed my mom’s house, which she just re-did. When I was her age I was already married, she said to me the other night “I’m sorry I’m not like you and get married and buy a house and have kids!” OK maybe that’s not for everyone, but she lives with her boyfriend, so what’s the difference? She has just excepted his excuses about why he doesn’t want to get married right now. They are buying a house, which is in only his name, and she doesn’t even question “why?” I think a parents job is always to help their children, but there also comes a time that their children are going to have to make a choice and deal with the consequences. If she’s living with her boyfriend, then he’s responsible for her. I just get upset seeing everything this way. I have tried to talk to her calmly and rationally, but it never seems to do any good. She listens, but doesn’t hear. We all have our areas of weakness. In the past I have been a push over and don’t stick up for myself. I’m trying to be better about that, but I also try to be the peacemaker. Maybe this time there is no peace to be made, maybe this time too much has been said to go back. I’m not on a side, but maybe people feel like I am. But sometimes I feel like everyone else has picked a side too.

I’ve been dealing with my own personal stuff. But when sisters argue it take center stage.

I feel thankful for my family and I hope that everyone can move on from here and have a peaceful life together. If not then I hope that everyone finds peace in their own way.

I haven’t had anything to blog about lately. But here goes one….

Picture a happily married couple. They have a couple of kids, a house, they are in all sense of the word content. But what happens when, someone from the past comes back. Someone that meant something, that at one point there had to be a decision between one or the other. The decision was made, but the “what if” has always been there. Now neither one of this happy couple would EVER cheat on the other. Those feelings could never take away from what they have.

But what do you do with those “what if” feelings? How do you stop thinking about it?

When I watch TV I always try to see if you are like that couple on the show. Or movies, you may see a couple that you would like to be like. Let’s compare some of the TV show couple past and present…who would you most identify with?

Meredith and Derek (Grey’s Anatomy) she’s been in love with him since the beginning, the played hard to get, his now ex-wife almost ruined it. Now together, sweet sappy kissy. Ewww!

Morticia and Gomez (Addams Family) he obviously adores her, but who wants to live in that big creep mansion with a hand that crawls around.

Joey and Pacey (Dawson’s Creek) Ok so I LOVE Joshua Jackson, so I NEVER liked them together, she needed to be with Dawson. They were both whiney and annoying.

Kevin and Winnie(Wonder Years) typical young love, all cute until she realized there were other guys and she moved on and then moved away. Can’t remember how did it end?

Angela and Jordan(My So Called Life) In the beginning I could SO identify with Angela, I loved him and he was WAY TOO cool for me. We started dating on the down low. He wasn’t always very nice to me, but I put up with it.

Homer and Marge (The Simpson’s) lazy over weight slob, do it all mom.

Cliff and Claire (the Cosby Show) doctor dad, lawyer mom, 5 pretty well behaved kids that all grow up to be successful.

Al and Peg (Married with Children) sit at home mom, hard working shoe salesman dad, 2 kids, no respect.

Dan and Roseanne (Roseanne) middle American family hard working dad. Loud controlling mother……..GUILTY! I think this couple is most like us. He works hjard to make sure we have everything we need, I can be on the loud controlling side. But we love each other no matter what.

OK, I am pretty open minded on this subject. This is what I feel, I believe in the Bible, and the Bible was written by men, that God gave the information to, right? So who’s to say that people today do not possess this power? Why is it so hard to believe that someone can do this? Just like today no one would believe a “virgin birth.” Now on the same note I do believe that there are “psychics” that are out to get your money, those ones on the TV that charge like $5 per minute. I would NEVER call one of those. But I did how ever come across a “baby psychic” from a friend. I figured what the heck. I emailed her, it cost a total of $6. (She also offers free readings, but not as detailed) I figured since I had my tubes tied, she would be able to see that and tell me that I wasn’t going to have anymore children. All she asked me for was a picture. I sent her my picture, she went on to tell me that I would become pregnant with a girl, this March (meaning next month) and she went on to tell me what she would look like, when she would get married and how many kids she would have. She also told me that I would have a little boy just shy of 2 years after that. It was all in good fun, I’m not playing the lottery or anything. So just for kicks I found another “baby psychic” and emailed her this one cost me $4. She told me the same things (to the date)  as far as when I would get pregnant and the due date and that it was going to be a girl. This of course freaks my husband out TOTALLY! So we shall see. Just wondering what everyone’s take is on this? Do you believe? How do you think they BOTH came up with the SAME information at DIFFERENT times? With no further information to “feed” off of. Now I will say that she has told women that she didn’t see any more children in their future, so she doesn’t give everyone a sun shiny answer. And I have seen where she has been off by a month either way.

 

Also…I’m always one to try things out. On Unsolved Mysteries they have done a piece on the African Fertility Statues that the Ripley’s museums displays. I saw this a couple weeks ago on TV, I proceeded to look them up online and saw that they were in Florida. I told hubby, hey it’s just a short 10 hour drive we can go down and touch them and see what happens. Well that was a NO GO. So I checked out the cities on the tour. Wouldn’t you know it, they are going to be in Myrtle Beach, SC for the entire month of February. Which is only about 1 1/2 hour drive from where we live. So I asked since they’re closer can we go down and I can touch them? He said NO at first because he doesn’t want any more babies, but then I threw in, “if you don’t believe in it, what can it hurt?” He couldn’t argue that, so we’re making the trip. We will see what happens!!

Anyone out there had this work for them? I’m interested to know!

In my adult life I have never wanted to “Keep up with the Joneses.” We don’t have new furniture and honestly what we have, we got for free. It doesn’t match, but I figure with kids and pets, what’s the point. We don’t have state of the art electronics, our TV is more then 8 years old, it’s not a flat screen and it’s only 27″. There’s usually a pile of laundry on the couch. There’s usually dishes in the sink. Our house is small, too small if you ask me. And it’s not much to look at. Our walls are banged up, have scratches. We have one van, that we have to share and it’s 9 years old.  All I’ve ever wanted was a friend that I knew wouldn’t judge me for my house being a wreck, and that’s on a good day. I’ve always wanted that friend that could just come over, shove the clothes aside and be comfortable. But I really don’t think that a person like that exsists. Because in some way or another people will judge you. I don’t fit in with the “in” crowd. My clothes are not name brand, I feel most comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt. I don’t wear make-up, unless it’s a special occassion. Usually my hair is pulled up and looking wind blown. It’s obvious to people who see me that I don’t put alot of effort into myself. Sure there are things that I want, a new camera, pretty much being the only thing right now, but I choose to do for my children instead. Sure they have too many toys, too many clothes, TV’s in their bedrooms. But they’re happy and that makes me happy. I devote 100% of myself to them, except when I’m sleeping, LOL. To alot of people children an object of convience, available when it’s needed to make appearances. I’m not saying I’m a better mother then anyone else, just different, I fall short, I know this. I just don’t understand sometimes. I am, who I am. And while people will say they don’t judge others, I know they do, everyone does. Sometimes family can be an even worse judge. It’s sad, that even as adults most of us act like high schoolers and run with cliques. Put ourselves on a pedistool and think we’re better then others. I myself have done this. But in recent years, even months, I have tried really hard to look beyond outward things and focus on what’s inside. I have tried to please people, become something I’m not, but I’m done. I really don’t care anymore. I have a husband and kids who love me, I have Jesus as my Savior, I am happy. I’m done searching for the things I don’t have. I’m content with my mix-matched furniture, my dirty dishes, my un-folded clothes. Because that is just stuff, it does not make me how I am, it does not define me. Sure if my house was spotless, then maybe people wouldn’t think I was “dirty”, but how much time do people with spotless houses spend cleaning, and who much time do they spend doing other things. People with state of the art electronics either have money to burn or have to pay on credit. Which I’m proud to say, we don’t have credit cards and the only thing we have a loan on is our house. I guess I don’t understand why people want to have top of the line stuff. Sure it’s nice to have nice things, but what’s the reason? Does it make you more happy to watch TV on a 51″ screen TV with surround sound? Is a $1500 couch more comfortable then a mix-matched one? Does a brand new car get you from point A to point B a different way then an older one? Are new brand clothes more comfortable then jeans and a t-shirt? No they just cost more! If someone can explain it please feel free.

They always say if you don’t expect anything you will never be disappointed. This is something that I pretty much live by. I don’t expect anything from anyone. But this poses it’s own problem, people get used to you not expecting anything of them, so they don’t even try. My husband is one of those people, because men in my life haven’t held a very high status I tended to just do what needed to be done and never ask him to do anything because I knew he either wouldn’t do it or he wouldn’t do it right. The downfall of that is that everything is left  on my shoulders. And now that I want things to change, he’s taking more effort on all of our parts.

I try really hard to not put people on a pass or fail basis. I’m a pretty open person, and tend to get walked on by those closest to me. I don’t know why I let it happen, it’s just the way I am I guess. I guess in that sense I’m a people pleaser. I guess I need to find a balance.

I mean this is the most sincere way and in no way pass judgement on anyone.

Why do people choose to live together, sometimes have children together, but never get married?

Why is that anymore of a commitment then living together or having kids?

I personally think that having children, is more of a commitment to someone than anything. Could someone answer this? I’ve asked several people and they can’t really give me an answer that makes any sense.

Just curious.

I just finished reading the book Twilight the movie come out next week. I loved loved loved this book. It was one of those stories you could lose yourself in. I felt myself, feeling what they were feeling. It was awesome. I know some people don’t /won’t  like it. But for me I’ve already started the net book in the series. I have become attached to the characters, when I was reading I felt like I knew them. It was a book I couldn’t stop reading. It was more then a vampire story it was a love story, and a great one at that. The way she gives all the details, you can put yourself right there in the scene with them. I love imagining what the place and people looked like. I hope the movie does the book justice.

I don’t want to spoil anything incase some of you haven’t read it. But we only hope to find even a fraction of that kind of love in our lifetime.

This is an email I received and as a Christian have been thinking about alot. I don’t follow the politics. I think no matter who gets in there they are going to make mistakes, they are going to go back on their word, an ultimately fail in someones eyes. Just read this and think about it. I do not profile. But read the signs…

These are actual events, they really happened…

1. 1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by a Male Muslim extremist.

2. In 1972 Munich Olympians were kidnapped and massacred by Male Muslim extremists.

3. In 1979, US embassy in Iran was taken over by Male Muslim extremists.

4. During the 80’s a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon, by Male Muslim extremists.

5. In 1983, US Marine barracks in Beirut were blown up by Male Muslim Extremists

6. In 1985, the cruise ship Achille Lauro was taken over and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by Male Muslim Extremists

7. In 1985, TWA flight 847 was highjacked at Athens and a US Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by Male Muslim Extremists

8. 1988, Pan Am flight 103 was bombed by Male Muslim Extremists

9. 1993 The World Trade Center was bombed for the first time by Male Muslim Extremists

10. 1998 US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by Male Muslim Extremists

11. 9/11/2001 need I say more…

12. 2002 War in Afghanistan against Muslim Extremists

13. 2002 US reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by…You guessed it…Male Muslim Extremists!

Do you see a pattern to justify profiling?

So to ensure we Americans NEVER offend anyone, particularly the fanatics intent on killings us airport screeners are no longer allowed to profile certain people…ABSOLUTELY NO PROFILING! Does anyone else think this could be used to their advantage next time?

The book of Revelation states…

The Anti-Christ will be a man, in his 40s, of MUSLIM descent, who will deceive the nations with persuasive language, and have a MASSIVE Christ-like appeal….the prophecy says that people will flock to him and he will promise false hope and world peace, and when he is in power, he will destroy everything.

Doesn’t she look smart?!

http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?id=292674314&s=143441

Free iTunes Download. 33 Miles is a great band. This is a great song! Please download. It’s free until the 13th. If you like Keith Urban, you’ll love them!

My Father called today, but you didn’t answer.

He left a message, but you didn’t hear.

Your life is good, your life is busy.

You don’t have time to sit and listen.

Things have turned, now they’re bad.

Your life seems meaningless and now you’re mad.

Today was the day you needed His call.

For Him to swoop day and take care of it all.

But what if He is to busy, to busy to care.

Lucky for you He wouldn’t dare.

He’ll be there to answer, give it a try.

Fall on your knees and you’ll see why.

His answer is golden, His answer is true,

His answer is written for me and for you.

In times of worry and in times a joy.

Remember what He gave us through His own baby boy.

Eternity of freedom, Eternity of love…

Our Father awaits us, Smiling from above.

I was just watching E! News. It’s so crazy, what they go through. I mean honestly feel sorry for some of them. The reported on Naomi Watts, “attacking” photographers. Here she is 6 months pregnant out with a friend, doing normal people stuff, having lunch, shopping, and paparazzi are all in their faces trying to get pictures. She got a little upset because they were asked to stop and proceeded to even try to follow them into the store. OK I understand that they are famous, but shouldn’t they be able to do normal everyday things without having people in their business? We’ve all seen in the past when paparazzi complain about being punched, shoved, hit with cars, but I mean seriously sometimes the deserve it. They’re trying to get “dirt” and even when asked to stop, they don’t respect anyone’s wishes. Then it ends up in the tabloids as celebrity “gone wild,” like they’ve gone off the deep end. But really I think it’s just a natural responses to being hounded. There are plenty of way to get pictures, even on an everyday basis, without beign rude or invasive. There should be some kind of middle ground. Celebrities are people to. And I think I would get ticked off if someone was in my face or taking unwanted pictures of my kids. I’d probably punch someone too!

http://www.kfab.com

 Wednesday night, a father left his nine children at Creighton University Medical Center, citing the state’s new “Safe Haven” law.

The state’s new “Safe Haven” law was meant to protect newborns and infants from harm, but since its inception, older children have been the ones left at hospitals. The children left at Creighton Wednesday night ranged in age from one to seventeen years old, and are now in state custody. The Nebraska Department of Health and Human Services has scheduled a news conference Thursday to discuss problems with the new law, and how they might be remedied by state legislators.

What is wrong with people? I understand the purpose of the law and in general think that it is an OK idea, for what it is. But seriously, how do you raise a child for 17 years and then just leave them at a hospital? And on top of that, 8 others. Did he not know how babies are made? Where is their mother? Ever hear of birth control? That man is an idiot! As as far as the law itself, maybe if the states offered more information, about safe sex and birth control, they could stop the problem before it starts! This is soooooo backwards!

“Hey teens, irresponsible people, idiots, we’ll take your unwanted babies, no questions asked, just don’t put them in a dumpster.” “What?… Free condoms?… Free birth control?… Sex Education?… That isn’t our responsibility, that would be over stepping our boundaries as a government, and it would promote teens having sex!” Does that make ANY sense to ANYONE? Give me a break! That is seriously messed up!

This is why I have vowed to myself and my children and grandchildren and great grandchildren, that I AM going to do something to change this. There shouldn’t be a need for Safe Haven.

If this seemed harsh I apologize. I DO NOT promote teens having sex, I am AGAINST abortion, but maybe just maybe if we approached the problem from a prevention stand point instead of fix after the fact, we could stop children from being abandoned. I don’t know how, but I’m going to figure out a way. They are doing a great thing. But even if the baby is left at a safe place, it’s still abandoned. If the mother doesn’t have to leave any information and no questions asked, how is that child going to know where they came from? What will that do to them as adults?

 

SELFLESS

Definition:–adjective

having little or no concern for oneself, esp. with regard to fame, position, money, etc.; unselfish.

 

After having a nice chat with some wonderful friends a few weeks ago, I have vowed to myself to be more selfless. This is a big task for anyone to take. I mean let’s face it, it’s a dog eat dog world and we’re all wearing milk-bone underwear. Everyone is out for themselves, no one really thinks about someone else. But in the same sense someone has to be less selfish or we wouldn’t get anywhere. My husband is better at being selfless when it comes to work, he’s the guy that will stay after work and finish up so the others can leave on time, stay late for someone that needs to pick up their car, etc. Once we even had to go over there at 10 pm for a lady to pick up her car so she could have it for the weekend. Me, I always say if you can’t be here before closing, then you wait until the next day. The way I see it, is in their line of work, whatever it may be, they wouldn’t want to have to wait around or work extra, without any kind of reward. He says it would be nice for them to offer something, but he never expects it. I know it’s that whole do unto others thing. Now at home it’s a different story, since I guess this is my office, I’m more selfless at home. I keep hoping and praying that one day we’ll both be like that everywhere, but right now it’s a battle of wills I guess you could say. I always tell him that the world gets the Chris I want him to be at home. I guess that’s the old comfort zone, we take for granted the people we are closest to, so we feel we can be more selfish with them and they will understand. It’s a delicate balance, that I think everyone weighs each day. The business man that does just one more file, instead of having dinner with his children. A worker that works overtime instead of getting to his kid’s game. The list goes on. I wish it was as easy as it is in my head. It seems like such a small detail, such a simple thing to do. And if so why is the world in such dismay? Why do so many people watch as another struggles?

I know I’m trying, will you?

http://cestafan.wordpress.com/2008/09/16/ben-stein-actor-comedian-expresses-his-thoughts/

http://cestafan.wordpress.com/2008/09/18/the-shadow-of-the-cross/

Awesome!

My little boy asked me today if I was going to die. This is a strange question from an almost 4 year old, but in the last 2 years he has 2 great grandparents pass away, a dog that was around since before he was born, and our pug died suddenly one day and she wasn’t even a year old. So he knows what death is and I’ve explained to them where people go and why they have to go there. I explained that people die, when they are old and their body is tired. And sometimes people or animals that aren’t old die because Jesus loves them so much that He wants them to be with Him. So my children have a wonderful outlook on death, if there is such a thing. After their great grandma died, who they were very attached to, Avaree said she wished she could go live with Jesus because she wanted to see great grandma. I explained to her, that she would go when Jesus needed her, when shes old and her body is tired, and that I wouldn’t want her to go too soon because then I would miss her very very much. She now says she can’t wait, because Heaven sounds like such an awesome place. I’m glad they have a somewhat positive idea of it. So Eli asked me today was I was going to get old and die, I said someday I will, we all will. When I’m old and you’re all grown up. He said Mommy, I gonna miss you. And honestly I said “Lord, please don’t take me before they are old enough to understand.” My biggest fear is that something to me and they will take everything I’ve told them and think I lied to them. So I said “Lord, I made a promise, please don’t make me break it.” There is nothing wrong with me, but we all know anything can happen. I do not fear death anymore, as I once did. I used to lay awake every night scared to death(ha ha I know funny, huh?) that something was going to happen to me and that I would die before I experienced anything. Now I don’t fear it dying, I fear not living. I fear that something will happen to me and my children will grow up without me. That even if they are told how much I loved them, they wouldn’t feel lit because I wasn’t there. Everyone has their time, I just hope mine, and Chris’s, is a long long, long, long, long, long time from now. But when the time comes I know it will be AWESOME, to go HOME.

Have some of mine!

Precious babies!

How do you trust when everyone in your life has let you down? This is something I’m working on even as I type this blog. I have never had anyone in my life that I could go to and trust with everything. There are a people I can trust with some things, bu not with everything. I grew up in a veru cut throat type of family. It’s said when someone will throw their loved one under a bus to save their own skin. I have experienced this several times, from people I am related to by blood. If my family can do that, why wouldn’t a friend? In my family feelings aren’t valued very much, unless they’re your own. Everyone is out for themselves, it’s sad.

I found trust in one person, I let him in, I gave him my heart, I poured my soul. He was the one person who, knew the deep dark secrets. He never judged me, he never made me feel ashamed. But een he let me down, several times. I used to view him as sort of a god, he was my hero, my protector, my everything. And with this he held the cards, he would be the only one who could truly hurt me and he did. I found out that hero’s bleed, and MY superman’s secret kryptonite was out in the open. (I won’t go into it, because he doesn’t want me to and I respect his wishes.) And sadly his kryptonite, burned me the worst. He knew what it was and chose to expose himself to it, maybe not chose, but he was drawn to it. It broke my heart, crushed me, made me doubt our years together. We’ve talked and talked about it, but there’s never a clear answer. “Did I do something to cause this?” He says No. But how can I believe that. I can’t believe I let my wall down, this is exactly what I was trying to prevent. Why did I let him get this close? Why did I let myself get this clse to him? As the time goes by I find out more and more about him, things I don’t want to know. Ignorance is bliss, isn’t that what they say? That’s why women who are married to cheaters can stay happily in their comfort zone. I no longer have a comfort zone, I sit with a cactus in my butt.

When I find out his secret I’m shocked, stunned, speechless. I’m numb at first, then it starts to sting, all ofa sudden, my heart feels like it’s going to drop out of my chest. He has no excuses, just apologies, tears, begs for forgiveness. I hate him at that moment, I hate what he can do to me, I hate myself for being so stupid. His words fall on deaf ears, I don’t care, I WILL not be hurt like this. I’m packing my things, I’m packing the baby’s things, we have a baby for crying out loud! He fears I’ll leave him, I’ll take his child. And I have every intention to, the phone is 3 feet away, I just have to make a call and I’m gone. But what would I say? Panic fills my mind, what if people find out? My head says who cares, my heart says “You love him, and your daughter needs her father.” Not one that is that selfish, no she doesn’t. I stay anyway, I stay out of shame, embarassment, but mostly because I love this man. I love him more then I have ever loved another. Time goes by, we have our guard up at all times. We have 2 more children, we’re happy. Then his secret comes out of the dark. And just like before, I’m crushed. I feel like I can’t breathe. I can’t talk. I can’t even look at him. He wants my forgiveness again. I just can’t this time, it’s too much. He’s asking to much of me, if he loved me, he wouldn’t ask. He asks me if I want him to leave. I do, I want him to leave, I don’t want to look at his pathetic face. He’s selfish, hateful, hurtful, he’s broken. I can see that as I allow myself to look at him. I know that this fight is taking a toll on him. He’s weak. I hate weak! There is no room for weakness. He’s supposed to be strong, never let anything get him. I supposed to be able to look to him. Why is he crying? He caused this, he hs no right to cry. I’m even more angry. He’s playing me for a fool. He thinks I’ll give in. He stays, I let him stay, he stays out of fear, shame, hurt, he stays because he loves us. I know he does. But that doesn’t fix it, it doesn’t make it better.

I love this man, but I can not help him. This is a demon he has to fight on his own. I can be there to support him, but I can not do it for him. He’s trying, he has taken MAJOR steps to ridding himself. It’s been a long bumpy road, it still is. But I see the sun in the horizon. We’ll get there, it will take time. But like I said I love this man. He’s my superman! Always has been, always will be. Even when Clark Kent makes an appearance, I know he’s still there. I’ve seen him, and he’s wonderful.

We had an amazing weekend. We went to our friends house for dinner, we had fajitas, yummy! We went there to just have time together our kids and their kids love to play together, so it works out. We ate, played Catch Phrase, which me and Rachel dominated! As it got later we played Truth or Dare, which was fun, except no one ever picked Dare, hmmm…I wonder why. Truth or Dare lad in to a major conversation, which ended up lasting all night, we didn’t leave until 3:30am! We talked openly and honestly. It was so nice to be able to be total out there are alot of things and even Chris opened up, and I heard some things that I knew, but needed him to say and admit. I know I have kept him and everyone at a distance, this is slowly getting better. But another think I learned is that I was thinking it was all him, but honestly it’s mostly me. I’m really hoping this is a start in the right direction and that our marriage only gets better from here. So far so good. Stay tuned…….

What I’m about to blog about is a very touchy subject for most. Sex, mainly sex before marriage. We live in a time now that sex before marriage is the norm. This is sad. Ok I say that, but I mean it’s sad because so many are doing that because they haven’t been taught, or they aren’t educated. I am not sitting on my high horse, because I was one of those girls. I was pressured into it thinking, that it was love. While my story did have a happy ending and I ended up marrying him. Some girls aren’t so lucky. Some end up pregnant, some with an STD, or some even worse. Now I am not syaing that ALL girls that are hing sex have low self esteem, or just don’t care, but alot. I have a sister that had sex at a young age and she once said, “what’s the big deal, it’s only sex.” Schools do not teach sex ed anymore because parents think that they are encouraging the teens.

There needs to be something, somewhere that they can go and not be judged or made to feel ashamed. There also needs to be a place they can go and get birth control or condoms without the stares and dirty judgmental looks they get when buying them. Teens now need to be educated on the subject. This would hopefully prevent unexpected pregnancies and preventable illnesses. I have to find a way, I feel it in my heart that I’m supposed to do something. I just haven’t figured it out yet. Any ideas would be great. Yes, telling them not to would be the best thing, but that’s not always possible, because they don’t get the encouragement they need to holdfast to that commitment. There is so much pressure out there that even if a girl or guy wanted to wait, chances are their minds could be swayed.

Our bestest friends have started on an awesome journey, for themselves and for the ones they are reaching out to. So as I’ve been talking with Rachel about this journey they are on I have come to look at things that I have been closed minded about. Rachel and her husband Anthony have helped in so many ways in the last couple of months. And I have had the privledge of being on the recieveing end of their work. They have started to work with the homeless, which is always something I have wanted to do but have been WAY TOO SCARED to even attempt, but they are doing it. These are my reservations. Growing up I would see homeless people everywhere, it was not uncommon to see a bag lady walking down the side of the road. If you saw where I grew upi you’d know what I was talking about. I always felt bad for them, I mean I couldn’t imagine not having a meal everyday or a place to sleep each night. But I was taught that these people are like that because they made bad choices and it was their own fault. While I’m sure this is true, but everyone deserves to eat at least once a day. I was told they will only use that money to get their next drink or what ever fix they needed. So I started looking at these people in disgust. Like how could they, how could they just throw it all away? Instead I should’ve been looking at them a wondering, what went to horribly wrong in their lves that their addiction took over and had such a stronghold on them, that nothing else mattered? Then I started looking at them with pity. I felt sorry for them, sorry for the fact that they couldn’t get it together enough to get a job, to find a place to live. But what I should’ve done was looking at them and think why do they feel so low about themselves that they don’t even try? I struggle each time I pass one on the street at a corner, at the red light. What should I do? What could I do? My heart says “give them what you have”, my mind says “no way they’re just going to waste it.” What would you do?

OK now the cons…and I have seen this. Where my husband works there is a group of homeles men that live in the woods across the street. They have also been seen bathing in the retention pond behind his work, in the middle of the day for all to see. They have comeby a couple of times asking the guys for money. Usually they get some and go on their way, only to be seen a few minutes later emerging from the gas station with a 6pack. This makes me angry. They ask for money that people are working hard for, only to blow it on something that probably contributed to their down fall anyway. Do they not really want help? Are they just content to suck of the kindness of others? What can you do to help them? When I was in school there was a man that bicycled around with is dog, he looked homeless. I felt bad. So one day I gave him some dog food. He took it without saying anything. I told my mom and her friend about it and her friend proceed to tell me that she worked with his wife and that they weren’t homeless, he was retired and they had plenty of money. It’s just something he liked to do, to see how many people would give him things. I felt used, and stupid. So I guess I really need to put all that aside and focus on the here and now. My friend suggested gift cards from McDonald’s which I had never thought of before. So I think that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to make an effort to be more open minded and more loving and giving. Who knows maybe it really will mean the world to someone. Never know unless I try. I mean aren’t some of us one paycheck away from being homeless?

Thank you guys for opening my eyes!

So it’s been weighing on me that we need to give back to God in some way. We aren’t member’s of a specific church yet. But we’ve been visiting The Rock of Wilmington so I figured now is as good a time as any. So Sunday I got up and I had some cash from the night before, now mind you I had plans for that money, so I didn’t have any intention of giving any away. But I slipped it into my pocket, think we could use it for lunch after church. All through the service I was thinking about it. What would I do when the bucket came around? I was really sweating, I swear. When it came time I took money out of my pocket and held it in my hand. The bucket was getting closer, I felt so nervous, I’m not sure why but I was. The bucket was right in front of me, I could still back out, I reached my hand up, I hesitated…then…I let go. The money fell in and I passed it along. I don’t know why but I actualy started laughing, people I’m sure thought I was crazy. Chris did. I was so proud of myself, I felt liberated. I meanI felt peace come over me, it made me wish I gave more. Now I didn’t give alot, so don’t think I’m some great person, but it was a step. A big step of Faith. Not 20 minutes later, out of the blue my bestest friend, said I’ll pay you to watch my precious baby boy for a couple of days. Ok so they weren’t her exact words, but he is precious and I love him and his sister to pieces, that another story though. I couldn’t believe it. God returned it and then some. It amazes me that even though we ae supposed to have faith in Him and obey, He still proves himself. He knows what we need and makes it available. And on top of that, this is the first week in a couple of months that when Thursday rolled around our bank account was still in the positive. That is amazing, and a miracle to boot!

I want to be a better person.

I want to tone up alittle.

I want my husband to ask me to dance, for real, not his goofy dance.

I want to be a wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend.

I want to look in the mirror and see a pretty person.

I want to make peace with the ghosts in my past.

I want to let go, completely.

I want to see trust that people love me for me, not what I can offer them.

Go on a vacation, with our “other” family.

Forgive…for everything.

Like I said I’m a work in progress. These are the goals I have set for myself and some wished thrown in there.

I watched the other night when McCain and Obama were interviewed but the pastor that wrote The Purpose Driven Life. He asked them each the same questions, and the other was unable to hear the others answers. He asked some pretty interesting questions. I noticed the Obama stumbled alot over his answers and gave run around answers, he talked in circles alot. And never really gave his stand on things, kind of generic answers to not upset anyone. McCain had staright forward, this is what I thnk answers. It didn’t seem to matter if he upset someone.

They hit one point that I sure no one knows the answer to. Abortion. Now I am a Christian and I AM Pro-Life. And I do not think that women who choose to sleep around and not use birth control, should be able to choose to have an abortion in this I say live with your choices. There are ways to prevent pregnancy, USE THEM! Let’s think for a minute in the terms of a rape victim, she she be forced to carry the child created from sch a horrible situation? If it were my daughter, I’m not so sure that I wouldn’t somewhat support not having it. Yes I believe that children are a gift from God, I do, please don’t get me wrong, but in that situation, that girl/woman would think about that horrid act everytime she felt her baby move. And even though adoption is an option, she would have to carry that baby, give birth to it and hand it away, always knowing that there was a person out there that she may one day have to explain, how and why they were created. Could you do it? Knowing that the child you gave birth to is linked to you and a horrible person?

Yes they do have the morning after pill, but I think I heard somewhere that they are trying to label that as abortion also. Which isn’t really true, because even the Bible says that it doesn’t become a baby until the heart starts beating, which happens I think 16 days after conception. Just a thought.

Another point that I liked with McCain, is he supported homeschooling and charter schools. I will admit I’ve been to both public and private schools. Public schools are good depending where you live. I grew up in PA and the schools there were great. I came here to NC and the schools here are crap! Teachers get no respect, the kids run the schools. Half the teachers aren’t even certified to teach. Not something I want for my children which is why we homeschool.

 

Back to the original question, Will you vote? Me, probably not. And no, I don’t complain about who’s in office. I think everyone is gonna screw up once they get in there, they can make big promises, but I have yet to see anyone follow through. People don’t like G.W.B, because of the war and all that. But people were gonna vote for Hillary, who’s was a proven liar and cheater, she couldn’t keep things in her own home under control, but some people wanted to give her a country? Thank goodness that didn’t happen. Obama seems shady to me, a little too flipfloppy. McCain, I’m not sure about either. This is why I don’t think I’m going to vote.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. If you feel passionately about one or the other them go for it!

OK. My family has always lived with a person before getting married. As my grandfather put it “try before you buy” I thht this is the way everyone did it, of course everyone in my family is divorced, this should be a BIG clue. My husband on the other hand came from a family that went to church and didn’t believe in living together before marriage. So I opted to not live together. Now I see why…if I had lived with him before we were married, we would’t be together now. He snores….LOUD! Yes he does have sleep apnea so we’re working on it. But I mean seriously, most people would not put up with half the stuff married people put up with. Clothes on the floor, hair in the sink, smelly bathroom habits! Ewwww…marriage is a list of disgusting things you have to deal with! But most of us do it because of Love. If I didn’t love that man so much I would have smothered him with a pillow already. I love him even though he drives me up the wall. And even when it gets so bad that it would be easier to go our seperate ways I now have a quote that I will remember….

“Never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about.”

It Fits.

I challenge to to do 3 totally out of character nice things to a total stranger.

Examples:

Pay for the person behind you in the drive thru. (I’ve been wanting to do this, I don’t know why)

On a hot day hand someone a bottle of cold water

Help someone you see struggling

Whatever it is just do something that would shock them, in a good way, not a crazy way!

Pass this on…Link to this blog…whatever…. Just make sure you comment and tell me what you did.

We have decided to homeschool. After alot of thought, prayer and debate, we feel it’s the best for our children. This comes with some issues, even from family. Alot of people worry about the socialization part of homeschooling. Well that’s easy, they probably get more socializing through going to the park or on a play date then they do in the 8 hours of school. In school they get recess and lunch to socialize, which equals about an hour. The rest of the time they are stuck in a classroom where they need to be quiet and still. I remember it, it wasn’t fun. You get in trouble for talking. Where when you home school, your child goes everywhere with you and talk to a ton of different people each day.

The second things is the look, that says, “are you smart enough to homeschool?” And to this question I say, Why not? I have taught my children to walk, talk, use the bathroom, write there names, count, know their alphabet, shapes, colors, right from wrong, get dressed, brush their teeth, use the computer, read a book(ok we’re working on that one), teach them to say please and thank you, manners, discipline and a list of other things. But I’m not smart enough to teach them that Columbus sailed in 1492, or the Abe Lincoln was the 16th president, or that the square root of 144 is 12. Why is it that we teach our children everything from the time they are born, but once they turn 5 or 6 we’re to turn them over to complete strangers to teach them for the next 13 years? If I did that I would have no control over what they learn, what they are exposed to. Public schools don’t allow God in the classroom, therefore my children would learn the Theory of Evolution, but not Creationism. I myself will expose them to both and make a discussion out of it.

My choice to homeschool stems from alot of things, not just I don’t want them to go to school. But I want them to be exposed to a variety of things. Teach them to think for themselves and explore the world at their pace. I choose it to give them freedom, not to shelter them.

And if you look at the research done on homeschooling, you will find very little if any negative findings. Homeschooled children are smarter and have higher test scores. When they get out in the work force they have higher paying jobs. Seriously read about it, I have. Ivy League colleges accept homeschooled children. They get offered scholarships. There are so many benefits and rewards to homeschooling that far out weigh any concerns. I will admit that I was one of those closed minded people that though that homeschooling people were a little “crazy” but after praying about it, God really showed me that it is the best for our family. I found a bunch of books and websites, so I can be up on the latest information.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask me. If I don’t know the answer I can help you find it.

You ever have one of those days when you just can’t seem to be happy about anything? I mean even though you look around and see all the wonderful things you have, but something is dragging you down. I have had one of those days. Now mind you, before I changed my life, I had off days, which turned in to off weeks, which turned into off months. Some people know the story I’m going to tell, some might be shocked.

I was depressed, I knew that I was depressed because I just couldn’t get out of the funk I was in. It reached it’s peak after our youngest was born. I thought it was the baby blues, but it stretched on and on and on. I would sleep the days away because I didn’t want to deal with it. I felt like the longer I slept, the sooner I could go to bed after I woke up. Everything in my life suffered. My marriage, my children. I was just going through the motions of what people wanted to see. I would put on my happy face whenever we were around people and I guess I did a pretty good job because no one ever knew. I finally went to the doctor and told him about my problem and he gave me pills, that were supposed to help. All they did was keep me awake at night, I mean I saw a small improvement, but was still in a cloud. Honestly there were days when I would think it would be so much easier not to be here. I thought it was my husband’s job to make me feel better, there were times when I felt he wasn’t doing what I needed him to do, so I thought I would punish him, because how would he feel if I was gone. There were a couple times when I was lose it completely and freak out. These times nothing he could say or do would make a difference and I think it scared him, but the way I acted. He the type of person that blocks bad things out, so it won’t be something that will ever be talked about again. Maybe that’s good, because I’m not that person anymore. It wasn’t until I let go that I started to feel better. When I said to God, I can’t do it anymore, it’s yours. I’m not saying everyday is perfect, but things have been put in my path since then to change my life. He knew what I would go through, and He blessed me with a husband that will never judge me, that will never remind me of my short fallings. He loves me for me and that’s enough. My husband has been through so much he has seen me at my worse picked me up and told me he loves me no mtter what. God has put friends in my path, that have helped me see who I can be and have shown me how to get there. It amazes me how everything fell into place.

Today was an off day, but I know that tomorrow will be better. Each day I wake up, is a new day to start over. A day to have a clean slate, to make things right. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. And trust me from someone that has been through personal hell and back, it can be wonderful, it will be wonderful. Just let go. Let God have it, He’ll take it, He’ll walk you through. Everything happens for a reason. To think at one point, well several points, I wanted to end it all. If I had I would’ve missed everythin to this point. My children’s smiles, their laughs, their hugs. The way my husband looks at me, just because. It was so worth it!

If you are depressed, please seek help from someone. I love my life now and wouldn’t change what I’ve gone through, because it’s made me who I am and I’m really starting to love her!

Today my daughter saw a fire truck driving down the road. She said, “Mommy see those guys is that truck, that’s what I wanna be.” She has been telling me she wants to be a firefighter for a couple months now. Not something I would want for her, I mean because of the danger, but like any mother I will try to support whatever my children decide. That statement caused me to reflect on my childhood and what I wanted to be, verse what I have become. For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a doctor, I planned my whole childhood around this fact. I had a microscope, I learned to “stich” dolls up. I read stuff that normal children didn’t. I got straight A’s because everyone knows you can’t get into a great college with a low GPA. So until I was about 15 that was my plan. Wow how things went totally the opposite. I finished high school early, I had a 2.5 GPA, but I didn’t go to college. My mom put me in beauty school, and after that, I got married. 2 years after that I became a mother. I always knew I wanted to get married and have a family I just thought I would be closer to 30 when that all happened, I wanted to have a career established first. But when I met my now husband at 15, I just wanted to be with him and have lots of babies.

So now I sit here and think of what my life would be like if I had stayed on that track. Well I probably wouldn’t be married to the same man, because if I had gone to college, he would’ve taken the chance on a basketball scholarship, instead of “not leaving me” I wouldn’t have the children I have. It would be a totally different life. But would it be better? Would it be worse? Maybe I would still be married to the same person, if it was meant to be, then we would have found each other in the end. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE my life. You know it’s the “what might have been” factor.

But God knew what I was going to be all along. He knew who I would marry. He picked the perfect children for us.

It’s funny, all your life you’re taught that making money will be your greatest accomplishment. But I work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I clean up disgusting things I don’t get paid a dollar value for my work. I never get a raise. I get paid in hugs, kisses, and I love yous. The smiles on their faces. The fact that just by a little kiss it can make everything better. So I guess you can say my greatest accomplishments are my children and my husband. And I wouldn’t trade one minute for the salary of a doctor! My children don’t care if I make money, they care that I’m here everyday when they need me.

Have you become what you planned for? If you could would you go back and change things?