I haven’t had anything to blog about lately. But here goes one….

Picture a happily married couple. They have a couple of kids, a house, they are in all sense of the word content. But what happens when, someone from the past comes back. Someone that meant something, that at one point there had to be a decision between one or the other. The decision was made, but the “what if” has always been there. Now neither one of this happy couple would EVER cheat on the other. Those feelings could never take away from what they have.

But what do you do with those “what if” feelings? How do you stop thinking about it?

When I watch TV I always try to see if you are like that couple on the show. Or movies, you may see a couple that you would like to be like. Let’s compare some of the TV show couple past and present…who would you most identify with?

Meredith and Derek (Grey’s Anatomy) she’s been in love with him since the beginning, the played hard to get, his now ex-wife almost ruined it. Now together, sweet sappy kissy. Ewww!

Morticia and Gomez (Addams Family) he obviously adores her, but who wants to live in that big creep mansion with a hand that crawls around.

Joey and Pacey (Dawson’s Creek) Ok so I LOVE Joshua Jackson, so I NEVER liked them together, she needed to be with Dawson. They were both whiney and annoying.

Kevin and Winnie(Wonder Years) typical young love, all cute until she realized there were other guys and she moved on and then moved away. Can’t remember how did it end?

Angela and Jordan(My So Called Life) In the beginning I could SO identify with Angela, I loved him and he was WAY TOO cool for me. We started dating on the down low. He wasn’t always very nice to me, but I put up with it.

Homer and Marge (The Simpson’s) lazy over weight slob, do it all mom.

Cliff and Claire (the Cosby Show) doctor dad, lawyer mom, 5 pretty well behaved kids that all grow up to be successful.

Al and Peg (Married with Children) sit at home mom, hard working shoe salesman dad, 2 kids, no respect.

Dan and Roseanne (Roseanne) middle American family hard working dad. Loud controlling mother……..GUILTY! I think this couple is most like us. He works hjard to make sure we have everything we need, I can be on the loud controlling side. But we love each other no matter what.

OK, I am pretty open minded on this subject. This is what I feel, I believe in the Bible, and the Bible was written by men, that God gave the information to, right? So who’s to say that people today do not possess this power? Why is it so hard to believe that someone can do this? Just like today no one would believe a “virgin birth.” Now on the same note I do believe that there are “psychics” that are out to get your money, those ones on the TV that charge like $5 per minute. I would NEVER call one of those. But I did how ever come across a “baby psychic” from a friend. I figured what the heck. I emailed her, it cost a total of $6. (She also offers free readings, but not as detailed) I figured since I had my tubes tied, she would be able to see that and tell me that I wasn’t going to have anymore children. All she asked me for was a picture. I sent her my picture, she went on to tell me that I would become pregnant with a girl, this March (meaning next month) and she went on to tell me what she would look like, when she would get married and how many kids she would have. She also told me that I would have a little boy just shy of 2 years after that. It was all in good fun, I’m not playing the lottery or anything. So just for kicks I found another “baby psychic” and emailed her this one cost me $4. She told me the same things (to the date)  as far as when I would get pregnant and the due date and that it was going to be a girl. This of course freaks my husband out TOTALLY! So we shall see. Just wondering what everyone’s take is on this? Do you believe? How do you think they BOTH came up with the SAME information at DIFFERENT times? With no further information to “feed” off of. Now I will say that she has told women that she didn’t see any more children in their future, so she doesn’t give everyone a sun shiny answer. And I have seen where she has been off by a month either way.

 

Also…I’m always one to try things out. On Unsolved Mysteries they have done a piece on the African Fertility Statues that the Ripley’s museums displays. I saw this a couple weeks ago on TV, I proceeded to look them up online and saw that they were in Florida. I told hubby, hey it’s just a short 10 hour drive we can go down and touch them and see what happens. Well that was a NO GO. So I checked out the cities on the tour. Wouldn’t you know it, they are going to be in Myrtle Beach, SC for the entire month of February. Which is only about 1 1/2 hour drive from where we live. So I asked since they’re closer can we go down and I can touch them? He said NO at first because he doesn’t want any more babies, but then I threw in, “if you don’t believe in it, what can it hurt?” He couldn’t argue that, so we’re making the trip. We will see what happens!!

Anyone out there had this work for them? I’m interested to know!

Why some parents have favorite children? How does that happen? My sister in law is in the process, as we speak, of giving birth to her 5th child. My inlaws are excited as you would think they should be, even planning a trip up to see her after the baby is born. But I was told by my mother in law that I was crazy for even wanting anymore children. I had my tubes tied after the 3rd one so I’m pretty sure we won’t have anymore. But she looks at me like I have 2 heads for even thinking about how it might be nice to have 1 more.  Hmmm…what’s that all about?

In my adult life I have never wanted to “Keep up with the Joneses.” We don’t have new furniture and honestly what we have, we got for free. It doesn’t match, but I figure with kids and pets, what’s the point. We don’t have state of the art electronics, our TV is more then 8 years old, it’s not a flat screen and it’s only 27″. There’s usually a pile of laundry on the couch. There’s usually dishes in the sink. Our house is small, too small if you ask me. And it’s not much to look at. Our walls are banged up, have scratches. We have one van, that we have to share and it’s 9 years old.  All I’ve ever wanted was a friend that I knew wouldn’t judge me for my house being a wreck, and that’s on a good day. I’ve always wanted that friend that could just come over, shove the clothes aside and be comfortable. But I really don’t think that a person like that exsists. Because in some way or another people will judge you. I don’t fit in with the “in” crowd. My clothes are not name brand, I feel most comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt. I don’t wear make-up, unless it’s a special occassion. Usually my hair is pulled up and looking wind blown. It’s obvious to people who see me that I don’t put alot of effort into myself. Sure there are things that I want, a new camera, pretty much being the only thing right now, but I choose to do for my children instead. Sure they have too many toys, too many clothes, TV’s in their bedrooms. But they’re happy and that makes me happy. I devote 100% of myself to them, except when I’m sleeping, LOL. To alot of people children an object of convience, available when it’s needed to make appearances. I’m not saying I’m a better mother then anyone else, just different, I fall short, I know this. I just don’t understand sometimes. I am, who I am. And while people will say they don’t judge others, I know they do, everyone does. Sometimes family can be an even worse judge. It’s sad, that even as adults most of us act like high schoolers and run with cliques. Put ourselves on a pedistool and think we’re better then others. I myself have done this. But in recent years, even months, I have tried really hard to look beyond outward things and focus on what’s inside. I have tried to please people, become something I’m not, but I’m done. I really don’t care anymore. I have a husband and kids who love me, I have Jesus as my Savior, I am happy. I’m done searching for the things I don’t have. I’m content with my mix-matched furniture, my dirty dishes, my un-folded clothes. Because that is just stuff, it does not make me how I am, it does not define me. Sure if my house was spotless, then maybe people wouldn’t think I was “dirty”, but how much time do people with spotless houses spend cleaning, and who much time do they spend doing other things. People with state of the art electronics either have money to burn or have to pay on credit. Which I’m proud to say, we don’t have credit cards and the only thing we have a loan on is our house. I guess I don’t understand why people want to have top of the line stuff. Sure it’s nice to have nice things, but what’s the reason? Does it make you more happy to watch TV on a 51″ screen TV with surround sound? Is a $1500 couch more comfortable then a mix-matched one? Does a brand new car get you from point A to point B a different way then an older one? Are new brand clothes more comfortable then jeans and a t-shirt? No they just cost more! If someone can explain it please feel free.

They always say if you don’t expect anything you will never be disappointed. This is something that I pretty much live by. I don’t expect anything from anyone. But this poses it’s own problem, people get used to you not expecting anything of them, so they don’t even try. My husband is one of those people, because men in my life haven’t held a very high status I tended to just do what needed to be done and never ask him to do anything because I knew he either wouldn’t do it or he wouldn’t do it right. The downfall of that is that everything is left  on my shoulders. And now that I want things to change, he’s taking more effort on all of our parts.

I try really hard to not put people on a pass or fail basis. I’m a pretty open person, and tend to get walked on by those closest to me. I don’t know why I let it happen, it’s just the way I am I guess. I guess in that sense I’m a people pleaser. I guess I need to find a balance.

I mean this is the most sincere way and in no way pass judgement on anyone.

Why do people choose to live together, sometimes have children together, but never get married?

Why is that anymore of a commitment then living together or having kids?

I personally think that having children, is more of a commitment to someone than anything. Could someone answer this? I’ve asked several people and they can’t really give me an answer that makes any sense.

Just curious.

Seeing how Christmas is 9 days away I thought I’d write a new post. 2 out of 3 of our children have birthday’s in December. We made a choice early on that we were going to make their Birthday’s more of the getting presents celebration and not go overboard on Christmas. We have told the children that Christmas isn’t about getting. Yes, we till believe in Santa, but our children have been told that even if they have a 10 pages list, Santa chooses what he feels they deserve. So far this has worked well. We have told them that it is more important to celebrate Jesus during this time. And it makes me feel so good when we drive around to see the lights, that the kids get more excited about the Nativity scene then anything. That being said, my inlaws have a Nativity scene, that they have had for years. 2 years ago their baby Jesus was stolen. Avaree was devistated, as that is her favorite piece. So the last 2 years she has lovingly donated one off her baby dolls to fill in. All was well the first year. Last year Eli donated his boy baby doll, duh since Jesus is a boy. He was apprehensive about it, but he did it anyway. The second night that it was out there, the baby was gone. My children were again traumatized by this. Thankfully PawPaw found the baby sticking out of the neighbors mailbox. So they have choosen not to put the Nativity scene up. Which is very sad.

My poor mother in law is afraid to do anything ahead of time this Christmas, because last year with one week until Christmas, their house was broken into and some creep opened all the kids presents that were under the tree. And I mean all! They even took all the clothes out of boxes and everything. Her jewelry was stolen and some other things.

It totally disgusts me that people do these things. To steal a baby Jesus and to open kids presents takes a desperate person. I feel bad for these people and I hope that they see their wrong. But mot of all I hope that God works and changes their hearts. I wish that for everyone. And I pray that everyone has a wonderful Christmas and a Blessed New Year.

I just finished reading the book Twilight the movie come out next week. I loved loved loved this book. It was one of those stories you could lose yourself in. I felt myself, feeling what they were feeling. It was awesome. I know some people don’t /won’t  like it. But for me I’ve already started the net book in the series. I have become attached to the characters, when I was reading I felt like I knew them. It was a book I couldn’t stop reading. It was more then a vampire story it was a love story, and a great one at that. The way she gives all the details, you can put yourself right there in the scene with them. I love imagining what the place and people looked like. I hope the movie does the book justice.

I don’t want to spoil anything incase some of you haven’t read it. But we only hope to find even a fraction of that kind of love in our lifetime.

This is an email I received and as a Christian have been thinking about alot. I don’t follow the politics. I think no matter who gets in there they are going to make mistakes, they are going to go back on their word, an ultimately fail in someones eyes. Just read this and think about it. I do not profile. But read the signs…

These are actual events, they really happened…

1. 1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by a Male Muslim extremist.

2. In 1972 Munich Olympians were kidnapped and massacred by Male Muslim extremists.

3. In 1979, US embassy in Iran was taken over by Male Muslim extremists.

4. During the 80’s a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon, by Male Muslim extremists.

5. In 1983, US Marine barracks in Beirut were blown up by Male Muslim Extremists

6. In 1985, the cruise ship Achille Lauro was taken over and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by Male Muslim Extremists

7. In 1985, TWA flight 847 was highjacked at Athens and a US Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by Male Muslim Extremists

8. 1988, Pan Am flight 103 was bombed by Male Muslim Extremists

9. 1993 The World Trade Center was bombed for the first time by Male Muslim Extremists

10. 1998 US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by Male Muslim Extremists

11. 9/11/2001 need I say more…

12. 2002 War in Afghanistan against Muslim Extremists

13. 2002 US reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by…You guessed it…Male Muslim Extremists!

Do you see a pattern to justify profiling?

So to ensure we Americans NEVER offend anyone, particularly the fanatics intent on killings us airport screeners are no longer allowed to profile certain people…ABSOLUTELY NO PROFILING! Does anyone else think this could be used to their advantage next time?

The book of Revelation states…

The Anti-Christ will be a man, in his 40s, of MUSLIM descent, who will deceive the nations with persuasive language, and have a MASSIVE Christ-like appeal….the prophecy says that people will flock to him and he will promise false hope and world peace, and when he is in power, he will destroy everything.

And I’ve climb my way back out. Of course there are dark days, but now they aren’t nearly as bad. I have dealt with depression for longer then I care to admit. I think it our family curse, unfortunely many haven’t made it back from their abyss. Suicide runs high in our family. And sadly I almost joined them. Whenever a family member would die from suicide, I would see what it did to everyone, how it made them feel. I convinced myself that it was a selfish thing to do and I don’t know how or why they would do it. I thought they were weak, and honestly  still thing that, but with a different point of view. I have been there with the knife to my wrist, I have been there staring at the bottle of pills, calculating how many it would tak for me to go to sleep and not wake up. I have been there more then once. But when I get to that point and I think that it would be so much easier to end it and not have to deal with the daily struggle just to smile. But there were also times when I would think I could use it as a punishment to the ones tha I loved, or thought loved me. I would show them, I would end it and they would spend the rest of their lives blaming themselves or wondering why or what they could’ve done differently. But honestly, no one could do anything I had to see my own worth regardless of what was going on around me. I needed to find within myself, that it didn’t matter hat anyone else thought. And even if they hurt right then, the hurt would fade. I wouldn’t be something on there mind everyday, so what would it prove, what would it show them? My uncle commited suicide on May 12th 1990. For a week after then I thought about him every second of everyday. I didn’t sleep, I didn’t go to school, it consumed us all. We all knew why he did it, but still. As the years went by, I thought of him less and less. And honestly until I started writing this I can’t remember the last time I thought of him. I didn’t want to be like that in someone’s mind. The last time I considered ending it, was when I was 6 months pregnant. I was having one of my down days and I didn’t feel like I was getting enough attention from my husband. We argued about something and I thought I’ll show him. But I stopped ad thought, what about this baby that I waited so long for? It was a selfish moment, and honestly, there was a voice in my head, that said the best is yet to come. I had so much to live for. This was not what God had put my on this earth to do or be. I prayed and I prayed hard. It took awhile for me to come to terms with everything. That I wasn’t in control of everything else, but I could control myself and my actions. I could either fight or give up. I choose to fight, I fight everyday to keep my head above water. Somedays are easier then others and thankfully I am in a different place in my life now. Having a different faith in God is the only way I can get through somedays. I know that brighter days are ahead. And I’m glad I’m here to see them.

Doesn’t she look smart?!

http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?id=292674314&s=143441

Free iTunes Download. 33 Miles is a great band. This is a great song! Please download. It’s free until the 13th. If you like Keith Urban, you’ll love them!

My Father called today, but you didn’t answer.

He left a message, but you didn’t hear.

Your life is good, your life is busy.

You don’t have time to sit and listen.

Things have turned, now they’re bad.

Your life seems meaningless and now you’re mad.

Today was the day you needed His call.

For Him to swoop day and take care of it all.

But what if He is to busy, to busy to care.

Lucky for you He wouldn’t dare.

He’ll be there to answer, give it a try.

Fall on your knees and you’ll see why.

His answer is golden, His answer is true,

His answer is written for me and for you.

In times of worry and in times a joy.

Remember what He gave us through His own baby boy.

Eternity of freedom, Eternity of love…

Our Father awaits us, Smiling from above.

I was just watching E! News. It’s so crazy, what they go through. I mean honestly feel sorry for some of them. The reported on Naomi Watts, “attacking” photographers. Here she is 6 months pregnant out with a friend, doing normal people stuff, having lunch, shopping, and paparazzi are all in their faces trying to get pictures. She got a little upset because they were asked to stop and proceeded to even try to follow them into the store. OK I understand that they are famous, but shouldn’t they be able to do normal everyday things without having people in their business? We’ve all seen in the past when paparazzi complain about being punched, shoved, hit with cars, but I mean seriously sometimes the deserve it. They’re trying to get “dirt” and even when asked to stop, they don’t respect anyone’s wishes. Then it ends up in the tabloids as celebrity “gone wild,” like they’ve gone off the deep end. But really I think it’s just a natural responses to being hounded. There are plenty of way to get pictures, even on an everyday basis, without beign rude or invasive. There should be some kind of middle ground. Celebrities are people to. And I think I would get ticked off if someone was in my face or taking unwanted pictures of my kids. I’d probably punch someone too!

http://www.kfab.com

 Wednesday night, a father left his nine children at Creighton University Medical Center, citing the state’s new “Safe Haven” law.

The state’s new “Safe Haven” law was meant to protect newborns and infants from harm, but since its inception, older children have been the ones left at hospitals. The children left at Creighton Wednesday night ranged in age from one to seventeen years old, and are now in state custody. The Nebraska Department of Health and Human Services has scheduled a news conference Thursday to discuss problems with the new law, and how they might be remedied by state legislators.

What is wrong with people? I understand the purpose of the law and in general think that it is an OK idea, for what it is. But seriously, how do you raise a child for 17 years and then just leave them at a hospital? And on top of that, 8 others. Did he not know how babies are made? Where is their mother? Ever hear of birth control? That man is an idiot! As as far as the law itself, maybe if the states offered more information, about safe sex and birth control, they could stop the problem before it starts! This is soooooo backwards!

“Hey teens, irresponsible people, idiots, we’ll take your unwanted babies, no questions asked, just don’t put them in a dumpster.” “What?… Free condoms?… Free birth control?… Sex Education?… That isn’t our responsibility, that would be over stepping our boundaries as a government, and it would promote teens having sex!” Does that make ANY sense to ANYONE? Give me a break! That is seriously messed up!

This is why I have vowed to myself and my children and grandchildren and great grandchildren, that I AM going to do something to change this. There shouldn’t be a need for Safe Haven.

If this seemed harsh I apologize. I DO NOT promote teens having sex, I am AGAINST abortion, but maybe just maybe if we approached the problem from a prevention stand point instead of fix after the fact, we could stop children from being abandoned. I don’t know how, but I’m going to figure out a way. They are doing a great thing. But even if the baby is left at a safe place, it’s still abandoned. If the mother doesn’t have to leave any information and no questions asked, how is that child going to know where they came from? What will that do to them as adults?

 

SELFLESS

Definition:–adjective

having little or no concern for oneself, esp. with regard to fame, position, money, etc.; unselfish.

 

After having a nice chat with some wonderful friends a few weeks ago, I have vowed to myself to be more selfless. This is a big task for anyone to take. I mean let’s face it, it’s a dog eat dog world and we’re all wearing milk-bone underwear. Everyone is out for themselves, no one really thinks about someone else. But in the same sense someone has to be less selfish or we wouldn’t get anywhere. My husband is better at being selfless when it comes to work, he’s the guy that will stay after work and finish up so the others can leave on time, stay late for someone that needs to pick up their car, etc. Once we even had to go over there at 10 pm for a lady to pick up her car so she could have it for the weekend. Me, I always say if you can’t be here before closing, then you wait until the next day. The way I see it, is in their line of work, whatever it may be, they wouldn’t want to have to wait around or work extra, without any kind of reward. He says it would be nice for them to offer something, but he never expects it. I know it’s that whole do unto others thing. Now at home it’s a different story, since I guess this is my office, I’m more selfless at home. I keep hoping and praying that one day we’ll both be like that everywhere, but right now it’s a battle of wills I guess you could say. I always tell him that the world gets the Chris I want him to be at home. I guess that’s the old comfort zone, we take for granted the people we are closest to, so we feel we can be more selfish with them and they will understand. It’s a delicate balance, that I think everyone weighs each day. The business man that does just one more file, instead of having dinner with his children. A worker that works overtime instead of getting to his kid’s game. The list goes on. I wish it was as easy as it is in my head. It seems like such a small detail, such a simple thing to do. And if so why is the world in such dismay? Why do so many people watch as another struggles?

I know I’m trying, will you?

http://cestafan.wordpress.com/2008/09/16/ben-stein-actor-comedian-expresses-his-thoughts/

http://cestafan.wordpress.com/2008/09/18/the-shadow-of-the-cross/

Awesome!

My little boy asked me today if I was going to die. This is a strange question from an almost 4 year old, but in the last 2 years he has 2 great grandparents pass away, a dog that was around since before he was born, and our pug died suddenly one day and she wasn’t even a year old. So he knows what death is and I’ve explained to them where people go and why they have to go there. I explained that people die, when they are old and their body is tired. And sometimes people or animals that aren’t old die because Jesus loves them so much that He wants them to be with Him. So my children have a wonderful outlook on death, if there is such a thing. After their great grandma died, who they were very attached to, Avaree said she wished she could go live with Jesus because she wanted to see great grandma. I explained to her, that she would go when Jesus needed her, when shes old and her body is tired, and that I wouldn’t want her to go too soon because then I would miss her very very much. She now says she can’t wait, because Heaven sounds like such an awesome place. I’m glad they have a somewhat positive idea of it. So Eli asked me today was I was going to get old and die, I said someday I will, we all will. When I’m old and you’re all grown up. He said Mommy, I gonna miss you. And honestly I said “Lord, please don’t take me before they are old enough to understand.” My biggest fear is that something to me and they will take everything I’ve told them and think I lied to them. So I said “Lord, I made a promise, please don’t make me break it.” There is nothing wrong with me, but we all know anything can happen. I do not fear death anymore, as I once did. I used to lay awake every night scared to death(ha ha I know funny, huh?) that something was going to happen to me and that I would die before I experienced anything. Now I don’t fear it dying, I fear not living. I fear that something will happen to me and my children will grow up without me. That even if they are told how much I loved them, they wouldn’t feel lit because I wasn’t there. Everyone has their time, I just hope mine, and Chris’s, is a long long, long, long, long, long time from now. But when the time comes I know it will be AWESOME, to go HOME.

Have some of mine!

Precious babies!

How do you trust when everyone in your life has let you down? This is something I’m working on even as I type this blog. I have never had anyone in my life that I could go to and trust with everything. There are a people I can trust with some things, bu not with everything. I grew up in a veru cut throat type of family. It’s said when someone will throw their loved one under a bus to save their own skin. I have experienced this several times, from people I am related to by blood. If my family can do that, why wouldn’t a friend? In my family feelings aren’t valued very much, unless they’re your own. Everyone is out for themselves, it’s sad.

I found trust in one person, I let him in, I gave him my heart, I poured my soul. He was the one person who, knew the deep dark secrets. He never judged me, he never made me feel ashamed. But een he let me down, several times. I used to view him as sort of a god, he was my hero, my protector, my everything. And with this he held the cards, he would be the only one who could truly hurt me and he did. I found out that hero’s bleed, and MY superman’s secret kryptonite was out in the open. (I won’t go into it, because he doesn’t want me to and I respect his wishes.) And sadly his kryptonite, burned me the worst. He knew what it was and chose to expose himself to it, maybe not chose, but he was drawn to it. It broke my heart, crushed me, made me doubt our years together. We’ve talked and talked about it, but there’s never a clear answer. “Did I do something to cause this?” He says No. But how can I believe that. I can’t believe I let my wall down, this is exactly what I was trying to prevent. Why did I let him get this close? Why did I let myself get this clse to him? As the time goes by I find out more and more about him, things I don’t want to know. Ignorance is bliss, isn’t that what they say? That’s why women who are married to cheaters can stay happily in their comfort zone. I no longer have a comfort zone, I sit with a cactus in my butt.

When I find out his secret I’m shocked, stunned, speechless. I’m numb at first, then it starts to sting, all ofa sudden, my heart feels like it’s going to drop out of my chest. He has no excuses, just apologies, tears, begs for forgiveness. I hate him at that moment, I hate what he can do to me, I hate myself for being so stupid. His words fall on deaf ears, I don’t care, I WILL not be hurt like this. I’m packing my things, I’m packing the baby’s things, we have a baby for crying out loud! He fears I’ll leave him, I’ll take his child. And I have every intention to, the phone is 3 feet away, I just have to make a call and I’m gone. But what would I say? Panic fills my mind, what if people find out? My head says who cares, my heart says “You love him, and your daughter needs her father.” Not one that is that selfish, no she doesn’t. I stay anyway, I stay out of shame, embarassment, but mostly because I love this man. I love him more then I have ever loved another. Time goes by, we have our guard up at all times. We have 2 more children, we’re happy. Then his secret comes out of the dark. And just like before, I’m crushed. I feel like I can’t breathe. I can’t talk. I can’t even look at him. He wants my forgiveness again. I just can’t this time, it’s too much. He’s asking to much of me, if he loved me, he wouldn’t ask. He asks me if I want him to leave. I do, I want him to leave, I don’t want to look at his pathetic face. He’s selfish, hateful, hurtful, he’s broken. I can see that as I allow myself to look at him. I know that this fight is taking a toll on him. He’s weak. I hate weak! There is no room for weakness. He’s supposed to be strong, never let anything get him. I supposed to be able to look to him. Why is he crying? He caused this, he hs no right to cry. I’m even more angry. He’s playing me for a fool. He thinks I’ll give in. He stays, I let him stay, he stays out of fear, shame, hurt, he stays because he loves us. I know he does. But that doesn’t fix it, it doesn’t make it better.

I love this man, but I can not help him. This is a demon he has to fight on his own. I can be there to support him, but I can not do it for him. He’s trying, he has taken MAJOR steps to ridding himself. It’s been a long bumpy road, it still is. But I see the sun in the horizon. We’ll get there, it will take time. But like I said I love this man. He’s my superman! Always has been, always will be. Even when Clark Kent makes an appearance, I know he’s still there. I’ve seen him, and he’s wonderful.

We had an amazing weekend. We went to our friends house for dinner, we had fajitas, yummy! We went there to just have time together our kids and their kids love to play together, so it works out. We ate, played Catch Phrase, which me and Rachel dominated! As it got later we played Truth or Dare, which was fun, except no one ever picked Dare, hmmm…I wonder why. Truth or Dare lad in to a major conversation, which ended up lasting all night, we didn’t leave until 3:30am! We talked openly and honestly. It was so nice to be able to be total out there are alot of things and even Chris opened up, and I heard some things that I knew, but needed him to say and admit. I know I have kept him and everyone at a distance, this is slowly getting better. But another think I learned is that I was thinking it was all him, but honestly it’s mostly me. I’m really hoping this is a start in the right direction and that our marriage only gets better from here. So far so good. Stay tuned…….

So I have moved through life, at time lying about where my father was, sometimes horrible things. But I couldn’t face telling people my father didn’t want me. I think because I thought they would think, “Gee what did she do or what’s wrong with her that he own father doesn’t want her?” It took a long time for me to get past this, th I hadn’t done anything wrong. So fast forward a bit. In 9th grade I met a guy and we started having sex, reference my last post. I knew he didn’t love me, because he didn’t want to be my “boyfriend” just friends with benefits. This doesn’t help ones self esteem in anyway. But I felt special none the less, because he was the boy all the girls wanted. So after awhile of that he asked me to be his girlfriend, which kind of affirmed to me that people can change. So the years went by, thankfully my mother kind of swore off men for awhile, and it was just us, which I love that time in our lives. I never wanted my mom to be alone, but she always seemed to attractthe wrong type of men. When I was 19 my friend with benefits asked me to marry him. Which of course I said yes. So that opened some old wounds, I didn’t have a father to walk me down the aisle. I had been done with that part of my life and was content moving forward. During the wedding planning process, my mom convinced me to invite my father and grandparents. I figured what’s the harm, they live in PA and won’t make the trip all the way down here. Boy was I wrong. A couple of days after I sent out the invitations, I got a phone call, it was him, after 10 years of nothing. He said he wanted to come to the wedding and so did my grandparents. I was shocked, I didn’t know who to talk to him. So now I had added stress. My mom decided she was going to walk me down the aisle, more like a stick it to him type deal, but whatever. I was marrying the man of my dreams and their past issues were not going to ruin my day. We did pictures, I have one with my mom, my dad and me. They aren’t really smiling, but it’s the only one I have, besides the one at my 1st birthday. So after that, since I was no longer in my mother’s house he started calling, pretty much every week. Most times I didn’t answer, because I didn’t know how to talk to him, I didn’t know what I could or should say. I can’t to this day bring myself to call him “dad.” I love when he calls, and now that I have children he tries really hard to be a part of their lives. I have asked him about things from the past and he doesn’t want to talk about them. He maintains that he always wanted me, but thought it was best for a girl to be with her mother. My thoughts are, he could’ve still had me come visit on vacation, during the summer. BUt I’m sure he’s dealing with choices he made in his own way.  I have forgiven him for everything that I’ve been told he’s done. He’s only a man and not perfect, we can only go from today.

A side note, the title of this post is not because I found my father and he’s stepped into the role. But someone once told me that I had a Father all along, I just didn’t see it. This is true. God’s love trumps all. He will always be there, listening, crying with you, holding you. It took along time for me to open up, but now that I have, I’ve never felt better. I am HIS daugter. So I guess you could say that’s I’m a Daddy’s girl after all.

We moved to NC to escape an abusive man, just one of the gems my mother picked out. We went into “hiding.” I had to leave everything and everyone behind. We moved into a small 2 bedroom house. My mom, 2 sisters and me. It wasn’t so bad, where we lived was pretty quiet and there was a field behind the house that we could play in. My mom got whatever job she could find, which happened to be Hardee’s. We didn’t live there very long, before she met another “winner” he was the manager at the Hardee’s she worked at. We eventually we moved into a doublewide that my grandma bought for us. There was a girl next door that was my age, and kids that lived behind us that went to my school. My mom’s new husband was alright I guess. He drank, ALOT. We used to hav eto take our trash to the dump, so he would buy a 40oz and let my sister or I drive in the return that we wouldn’t tell my mom, that he was drinking more. Our weekend fun would be driving around with 2 coolers of beer. And as they finished drinking them they would try to hit the signs with the bottles. How’s that for quality time? So in that action I was learning that drinking and driving were ok, even with 3 kids in the car. Thankfully this is a lesson that I didn’t listen to, and to this day do not ever drink and drive EVER! But back to the point. During this time, my youngest sister’s father found us. You know the crazy abusive one. So the word was out. So we didn’t have to hide anymore. This was the first time my mom told me I should call my father. I didn’t want to and couldn’t see why she would want me to, after the things she said his wife had said. I know now it’s because she was taking him back for more child support. So I called. He answered the phone and said “How are you doing? Is you mother there?” She went in the other room and picked up the phone. I hung up. Just the rejection I knew would come. She came back in the room and said to me “He said you aren’t welcome to call his house anymore and as far as he is concerned who ever I’m with is your father.”  WOW. I felt stupid, rejected, unloved, unwanted. I said I will never call him again, I’m not setting myself up for that again. At 13 years old, you don’t want to hear that you are unwanted. I started a new school that years and made some awesome friends, most if which I still talk to. We moved again, closer to school. My mom’s “winner” got caught use drugs so she booted him out. Still nothing from my father, not so much as a birthday card. My mom would tell me how I didn’t need him, how he couldn’t offer me anything, that if I were ever to live with him I would be unhappy because of how strict they were. All of this is true, but when it came to father daughter things, I had no one. I felt betrayed. He had another daughter to have those experiences with. Even if it wasn’t his biological daughter, he still had those father daughter moments, that I would NEVER have. As the years went by, I began to make myself believe that I didn’t need him. When I had sex at the age of 15, my mom said it was because I was trying to compensate for not having a father, so I wanted a man’s love. I convinced myself that, that wasn’t it at all. His not being around had no bearing on the choices I made. I had sex because I was in love. Plain and simple. But looking back I really think that maybe I was compensating, maybe it was because I so desparetely wanted a male any male to love me and treat my like the princess I always wanted to be. Sadly I picked a boy, who at that time didn’t really love me. My self esteem was in the crapper. I began to gain weight and even though I had and still have a basically cheery outside. I was and have been searching for what I never had. I would think about my father, when I would go to friends houses and see how their father’s interacted. I wanted that. But I would never have it. No matter how I longed for it. A hug, a kiss, a simple I love you. I would never be Daddy’s girl. And that was all I wanted.

And then I grew….

I was born on a cold day on March 31st, in Lansdale, Pa. I was told that when I was brought home it was snowing. My mom was 19, my dad was 22. At this point I’m told my parents were already separated on the verge of divorce. I was also told later, the only reason my father came to the hospital was to see if I was really his. I was told that at a pretty young age. I don’t have many memories of him in my younger years. I see him in birthday pictures and it’s obvious that he’s a guest. In the pictures he is hugging me, but I don’t remember. I am told that my parents shared custody and that when it was his turn to pick me up, he would drop me off at my grandparents house, instead of spending time with me. I don’t know if this is true, I do remember spending weekends at my grandparents house, but unsure if he dropped me off there. It’s weird I can remember what happened on those weekends, but never how I got there or got home. When I was 2 my mom married another man and had my sister. During this time we lived in a nice place, my mom was a waitress, she worked nights and my step father was a truck driver. We went to a babysitter in the early years before I started school. I remember my mom picking us up after her shift and I remember making my sister and I cinnamon/sugar toast in the morning while me mom slept. I understood that she was tired and it didn’t really bother me. We would sit by the front door with it open, since we weren’t allowed outside, and eat our toast. My mom always made sure we had what we needed, we hardly ever ate fast food. As we got older and I started school we had a live in nanny. She was my mom’s friends mother. I didn’t get to see my mom a whole lot, because she still worked the night shift and had to leave shortly after I got off the bus. I remember always watching her putting her make-up on and curling her hair. On nights she had off I remember my sister singing Patsy Cline into a hairbrush and my mom playing it over and over again. During this time my father isn’t in any of the birthday pictures and I’m not sure why. I’ve been told several things, so who knows what’s true. It isn’t until I’m 8-9 years old that he reappears and I have memories of actually spending time with my father. He had a new wife and a new family. Including her daughter who he adopted. During these visits, we went on trips and did fun things, but I never had any one on one time with him. Most days were spent playing with my step sister.

At home my mom was with my youngest sister’s father, they weren’t married Thank God! He had 3 children from his previous marriage. So there were 6 of us. Not that we didn’t have fun, but there was constant competition, because their mother wasn’t in the picture. My mom had to be mother to all the kids, and being the oldest, I demanded the least attention. So I would devote myself to taking care of my baby sister. She even slept in my room and I got up with her at night. I remember coming home from my father’s house and if it had been an uneventful day I would make up exciting things. And if my mother would hear and if she felt that it was too dangerous, she would threaten to not let me go back, I know it was for my safety. Then I would have to tell her that I made it up, cover the fact that I didn’t have much fun. The visits stopped for awhile, again I’m not sure why. And then we moved. The visits picked up again. Then one day while on a walk with my step sister, she asked me a question that as a 10 year old I didn’t know how to answer. She asked “Why is my mom your step mom, but your mom is nothing to me?” I said I didn’t know and left it at that. At this point she hadn’t been told that my father adopted her. A phone call came a couple of days later. I’m not sure what was said only what my mom told me and that was to the effect, that it wasn’t my place to tell her she was adopted and that I wasn’t welcome in their home anymore. I have never had a reason to no believe my mother. So I was crushed. The visits stopped. And we moved again, this time to NC.

Adventures in North Carolina to come….

Last week my oldest baby girl, slipped on the floor and hit the doorway with her foot. I mean who hasn’t banged their toe on the door at one point or another. Well she wailed, and I mean wailed, I being the oh so wonderful mother, yelled from the kitchen, “Is that really nessacery?” Boy did I feel like crap when I walked in to see her toe, no longer in it’s right place. Chris turned white and said, “Hospital, NOW!” So I called my mom to drop the other 2 kids off. I got yelled at for being on the phone. I guess he thought we could just drop them in the front yard. Avaree tried to walk to the door and that’s when I noticed the blood. I kid you not, I thought she had ripped her toe off. We got in the van raced over to my mom’s and then straight to the ER. Well we went to one ER and it was totally full, their were people waiting outside. So we went over to the other ER and thankfully there were only a few people. We got in and got the xray and it was for sure broken. We were in the waiting room when my youngest sister and her boyfriend walked in, then shortly after my other sister and nephew. This was at 10pm. They waited with us, which passed the time alot faster. And it helped Avaree take her mind off of her foot. We finally get called back and find out that she needs stitches. This wasn’t gonna be fun. We had a super nice male nurse that came in and set up the tray. He explained everything to her as he was getting it ready, which helped her not be scared. The nurse and the doctor came in and started to work. Numbing it was the worse part I swear! She screamed. My sister’s boyfriend, Brian, loves Avaree to death and they were in there while the doctor was stitching, he told Avaree he would give her $5 if she didn’t cry, he hated seeing her like that. She wanted to watch the whole thing. It took 8 stitches, they wrapped it up and sent us on our way. She’s been in a boot with her toes wrapped together for about a week now. And getting around pretty good. She says it hurts if she tries to walk without the boot, so she wears it all the time except to bed. The stitches come out Thursday, I’ve already warned her that it’s probably gonna hurt when they take them out. She told me she’s glad I told her so she won’t be scared when the time comes. She’s been so good about it, I think I’ve been more worried then her. She’s been running and jumping, I have to remind her to not do too much. Wow I tell you Avaree isn’t even 6 and I feel like we’re old pros in the injury department. We’ve been through broken bones(nothing major) and now stitches. I think they take after their daddy, who has had more stitches then anyone else I know at this point. Current and future prayers appreciated, we’re gonna need them!

What I’m about to blog about is a very touchy subject for most. Sex, mainly sex before marriage. We live in a time now that sex before marriage is the norm. This is sad. Ok I say that, but I mean it’s sad because so many are doing that because they haven’t been taught, or they aren’t educated. I am not sitting on my high horse, because I was one of those girls. I was pressured into it thinking, that it was love. While my story did have a happy ending and I ended up marrying him. Some girls aren’t so lucky. Some end up pregnant, some with an STD, or some even worse. Now I am not syaing that ALL girls that are hing sex have low self esteem, or just don’t care, but alot. I have a sister that had sex at a young age and she once said, “what’s the big deal, it’s only sex.” Schools do not teach sex ed anymore because parents think that they are encouraging the teens.

There needs to be something, somewhere that they can go and not be judged or made to feel ashamed. There also needs to be a place they can go and get birth control or condoms without the stares and dirty judgmental looks they get when buying them. Teens now need to be educated on the subject. This would hopefully prevent unexpected pregnancies and preventable illnesses. I have to find a way, I feel it in my heart that I’m supposed to do something. I just haven’t figured it out yet. Any ideas would be great. Yes, telling them not to would be the best thing, but that’s not always possible, because they don’t get the encouragement they need to holdfast to that commitment. There is so much pressure out there that even if a girl or guy wanted to wait, chances are their minds could be swayed.

Our bestest friends have started on an awesome journey, for themselves and for the ones they are reaching out to. So as I’ve been talking with Rachel about this journey they are on I have come to look at things that I have been closed minded about. Rachel and her husband Anthony have helped in so many ways in the last couple of months. And I have had the privledge of being on the recieveing end of their work. They have started to work with the homeless, which is always something I have wanted to do but have been WAY TOO SCARED to even attempt, but they are doing it. These are my reservations. Growing up I would see homeless people everywhere, it was not uncommon to see a bag lady walking down the side of the road. If you saw where I grew upi you’d know what I was talking about. I always felt bad for them, I mean I couldn’t imagine not having a meal everyday or a place to sleep each night. But I was taught that these people are like that because they made bad choices and it was their own fault. While I’m sure this is true, but everyone deserves to eat at least once a day. I was told they will only use that money to get their next drink or what ever fix they needed. So I started looking at these people in disgust. Like how could they, how could they just throw it all away? Instead I should’ve been looking at them a wondering, what went to horribly wrong in their lves that their addiction took over and had such a stronghold on them, that nothing else mattered? Then I started looking at them with pity. I felt sorry for them, sorry for the fact that they couldn’t get it together enough to get a job, to find a place to live. But what I should’ve done was looking at them and think why do they feel so low about themselves that they don’t even try? I struggle each time I pass one on the street at a corner, at the red light. What should I do? What could I do? My heart says “give them what you have”, my mind says “no way they’re just going to waste it.” What would you do?

OK now the cons…and I have seen this. Where my husband works there is a group of homeles men that live in the woods across the street. They have also been seen bathing in the retention pond behind his work, in the middle of the day for all to see. They have comeby a couple of times asking the guys for money. Usually they get some and go on their way, only to be seen a few minutes later emerging from the gas station with a 6pack. This makes me angry. They ask for money that people are working hard for, only to blow it on something that probably contributed to their down fall anyway. Do they not really want help? Are they just content to suck of the kindness of others? What can you do to help them? When I was in school there was a man that bicycled around with is dog, he looked homeless. I felt bad. So one day I gave him some dog food. He took it without saying anything. I told my mom and her friend about it and her friend proceed to tell me that she worked with his wife and that they weren’t homeless, he was retired and they had plenty of money. It’s just something he liked to do, to see how many people would give him things. I felt used, and stupid. So I guess I really need to put all that aside and focus on the here and now. My friend suggested gift cards from McDonald’s which I had never thought of before. So I think that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to make an effort to be more open minded and more loving and giving. Who knows maybe it really will mean the world to someone. Never know unless I try. I mean aren’t some of us one paycheck away from being homeless?

Thank you guys for opening my eyes!

So it’s been weighing on me that we need to give back to God in some way. We aren’t member’s of a specific church yet. But we’ve been visiting The Rock of Wilmington so I figured now is as good a time as any. So Sunday I got up and I had some cash from the night before, now mind you I had plans for that money, so I didn’t have any intention of giving any away. But I slipped it into my pocket, think we could use it for lunch after church. All through the service I was thinking about it. What would I do when the bucket came around? I was really sweating, I swear. When it came time I took money out of my pocket and held it in my hand. The bucket was getting closer, I felt so nervous, I’m not sure why but I was. The bucket was right in front of me, I could still back out, I reached my hand up, I hesitated…then…I let go. The money fell in and I passed it along. I don’t know why but I actualy started laughing, people I’m sure thought I was crazy. Chris did. I was so proud of myself, I felt liberated. I meanI felt peace come over me, it made me wish I gave more. Now I didn’t give alot, so don’t think I’m some great person, but it was a step. A big step of Faith. Not 20 minutes later, out of the blue my bestest friend, said I’ll pay you to watch my precious baby boy for a couple of days. Ok so they weren’t her exact words, but he is precious and I love him and his sister to pieces, that another story though. I couldn’t believe it. God returned it and then some. It amazes me that even though we ae supposed to have faith in Him and obey, He still proves himself. He knows what we need and makes it available. And on top of that, this is the first week in a couple of months that when Thursday rolled around our bank account was still in the positive. That is amazing, and a miracle to boot!

I want to be a better person.

I want to tone up alittle.

I want my husband to ask me to dance, for real, not his goofy dance.

I want to be a wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend.

I want to look in the mirror and see a pretty person.

I want to make peace with the ghosts in my past.

I want to let go, completely.

I want to see trust that people love me for me, not what I can offer them.

Go on a vacation, with our “other” family.

Forgive…for everything.

Like I said I’m a work in progress. These are the goals I have set for myself and some wished thrown in there.